I love your email so fucking much. I actually LOL’d a little bit when I read it for the first time. This is a tough situation. Alright girl, let’s figure this out. How long do we have until Nov 12? A month. No problem – ok, since I have no idea what you look like, what your hair color is, etc — let’s just review the basics.
1. GET YOUR SPRAY TAN ON:
Listen, everyone looks more fit and slim when they’re tan. And lucky for you, I have a trick. Here’s what I do when I need to be really tan for something FAST.
STEP 1: Two days before the event, get a spray tan. Sleep in it, then when you wake up and shower the next morning, DON’T shave your legs (I repeat, DON’T shave your legs)
STEP 2: After you shower, put on another self tanner. I recommend St. Tropez – It’s the best shade of brown ever – but be warned, it doesn’t smell that great – it sort of smells like pennies or murder – but it looks good.
STEP 3: On the day of the wedding, take a shower, shave your legs, and put on lotion (a LOT of it). Finally, put on some sort of bronzy lotion-y shimmer-y thing. I love the Kopari Coconut Body Glow.
VOILA! Your tan will be set in, you’ll look hot – and *bonus points* you won’t smell like a dead person. You’re welcome.
2. GET SKINNY:
There’s a super easy way to lose weight fast – stop eating solids. NOT something I’d recommend, but hey, you asked how to get skinny fast and that’ll do it. No matter what you choose to do about food, the first step to losing weight is to cut out alcohol. That’ll do a lot right there. BUT – recognize that what you drink at the wedding will hit you twice as hard… so make sure you don’t over do it 😉
Back to food: here’s my recommendation, cut out carbs. You could go super extreme and live off of juices and smoothies for a month but that’s no fun AT ALL – it’s so boring and committing to that is intense. So, if you don’t feel like committing to that, just cut out carbs. You can still have wine, eat healthy foods, etc – just enjoy everything BUT the carbs.
I guess you could also workout, too, if you want to lose weight fast but I don’t really know how that works because I don’t do it very often – but I hear it helps 😉 (I’m probably just telling you everything you already know at this point.)
3. GO GLAM!
When you wake up on the morning of the wedding, go get a blow out. It’s a super easy (and pretty inexpensive) way to get a really pretty hairstyle. Also, maybe go to a makeup artist or something? They can teach you how to do a brow! Super easy.
In closing, J, thank you for the email. I hope this guy you’ve been liking for 10 years falls in love with you… or at least has sex with you. Good luck!