Breakups Require A Nanny

On this episode of Straight Up with Stassi, our girl and her guest Zack Wickham discuss the aftermath of her breakup.

“I guess we’re just the definition of pathetic Millennials.”

“The rest of the trip [to Mexico with Rachael] was me crying a lot, that’s kind of what it was,” Stassi explains. “And me pretending to look happy and hot.”

“Well, not pretending,” Zack says. “You did look hot.”

“Well, I couldn’t eat,” Stassi says. “I’ve never been in that experience where somebody had to literally force food down my throat and then I would throw it up because I couldn’t handle it. Like, that sort of depression. It was next-level sadness. So the rest of the trip was kind of like that. We had our moments of having fun, we tried to go out to the main Cancun-cheesy part of town.”

“Well, once I heard that there was an issue with your phone, a man-down moment, I was like ‘Oh shit, I need to do something.’ So that’s actually why the song came about,” Zack says.

Stassi then asks Zack to pull up the song on his phone.

“This is what Zack did for me when he found out my phone was a wounded bird, after he already knew that I was myself a wounded crow,” Stassi explains.

“Very Game of Thrones of you, I like it. Obvs,” Zack says. “Okay, so, I think with breakups in general, any of your listeners can relate to this — when you go through a breakup, even if you’re the one breaking up with them, you get cynical, but your social media game is on point. Yours, mine as well… something transforms in your body.”

“It’s all I have to live for,” Stassi says.

“You become the funniest,” Zack says.

“I guess we’re just the definition of pathetic Millennials,” Stassi muses.

“And by pathetic,” Zack clarifies, “You mean the most amazing.”

“Mexico here they come, tequila river.”

Anyway, back to the song.

“One morning, I wake up and Rachael hands me a Piña Colada and she’s like, ‘I have a surprise for you that you’re going to be very appreciative of,'” Stassi says.

“Can we have a *disclamer* with this?” Zack asks. “I am not a singer. I was not trying to be…”

“You underestimate your abilities,” Stassi argues. “You are a talented motherfucker.”

Then Stassi plays the song, which is set to an instrumental version of one of Will Smith’s songs.

“Should we go over the lyrics?” Stassi asks. “Here comes Stas and Rach, Stassi and Rachael. Tequila won’t let them remember,” Stassi sings.

“I don’t know if anybody out there realizes… You know Will Smith is Stassi’s shit. I went through so many Will Smith songs that I could actually match lyrics with because his mind must work in a different way,” Zack explains.

“Well, he’s Will Smith,” Stassi says.

“Yeah, well, I’m Zack Wickham, so it was very hard to match it,” he says.

Zack then pulls up the lyrics and the pair reads/sings them:

“Here comes Stass and Rach /
It’s the VIPS (uh) /
Here comes the VIPS /
Here comes Stass and Rach /
Stassi and Rachael /
Tequila wont let them remember /
The good girls dress in black, remember that /
Just in case you break up with them, never come back /
Title held by them? The best ever /
Mexico here they come, tequila river /
So get ready, buy them shots all around /
Their bikinis with the strings make the boys not frown /
Mexico nights, can’t handle it /
Don’t look around ’cause the scenery ain’t no competish /
They rule the pool so beautifully /
Breakups never looked so good /
Boys run, men don’t, lookout world, bounce right back.”

To hear the song (you should definitely hear the song) tune-in to the full podcast here.


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