Campaign: Stassi for leader of Earth

On this episode of Straight Up with Stassi, Stassi is joined again by her childhood best friend Alex Stafford, and they’ve got an idea for you: Stassi for leader of Earth.

“I love that Prince Harry is with Megan Markle,” Stassi begins.

“I don’t,” Alex says, “because it should be me.”

“I love it because it gives every single, not just female, but every single human being the ability to realize that a fairytale actually is true,” Stassi says. “When we watch Cinde-fuckin-rella, any of those movies, fairytales do happen. You don’t have to be born into royalty. Megan Markle is divorced, she’s an actress on, what’s it called, Suits? It gives me hope for everyone. We were groomed to think that we didn’t have a shot at becoming royalty, and now this skank (and I mean skank in a nice way, like ‘good for you girl’)…”

“She just swoops in,” Alex adds.

“All of the odds were against her,” Stassi says. “She might as well have been on Vanderpump Rules, it wouldn’t have mattered. If Donald Trump is president and Megan is probably about to get engaged to Prince Harry, I am pretty sure that I’m not only going to be President, but I’m going to rule the world. There’ll be a time when every single country will come together and say, ‘You know what? Fuck all of our individual continents and countries. We want one leader, and that leader is that chick on Vanderpump Rules who has a podcast.'”

“Should I be scared right now?” Alex asks.

“Declaration of Independence? Hell no,” Stassi says.

“Declaration of Obedience, that’s what I would call it.”

“Run. Everyone just run. How do we get to the next planet?” Alex laughs. “Actually, I’m joking, but I would totally trust you as a world leader. I’ll vote.”

“Why would you trust me as a world leader?” Stassi asks. “Right after you took out my extensions and now I look like I’m auditioning for fucking Hillary Clinton on Veep.”

“You look like a Texas beauty queen,” Alex disagrees.

“I have presidential wife hair right now,” Stassi says. “I’m going to tell you why I would be good at running the world. Alex and I have been wanting to watch Now and Then and French Kiss. I started on Netflix like the normal commoner that I am. You start on Netflix. Then you move to Hulu. Then you move to Amazon Prime. Then you move to HBO Now and you’re like, ‘Where the fuck is this movie? Do I have to go buy it on iTunes?’ I finally resorted to iTunes. Neither were available. No results.

I’m sorry, who is the producer, who is the production company, Paramount? MGM? Universal? Warner Brothers? Who is making the decision to be like, ‘You know what? I think I’m gonna just not let people watch Now and Then or French Kiss for a while. Fuck that. Let that movie RIP. Bury it six feet under. And then maybe at some point, we’ll bring Now and Then and French Kiss out.’ If I were dictator of the world, I would allow people access to every single movie and TV show for free. That’s why I feel like I would be the best leader.”

“Wow,” Alex says. “I think you got everyone’s vote just now.”

“Start a petition,” Stassi says.

“Comment and write movies that you can’t find, dead movies that you can’t find,” Alex says.

“Six feet under movies, and we’re gonna find a way to exhume them,” Stassi says.

“We’re gonna get ’em out.”



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