On the 100th episode of Straight Up with Stassi, your girl is joined by the one and only Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible.
“You have a strong sense of self.”
“You know what? This is what I like about you…” Jackie begins to say.
“Let’s just talk about what we like about each other,” Stassi says.
“Let’s just do that. That’s the theme of this 100th episode spectacular,” Jackie says. “I think it’s a very interesting question if you ask somebody, ‘What do you like about yourself?’ Or like, ‘Do you genuinely like yourself?’ And like, it sounds simple, but I think it’s oddly deep and specific, and I think that you really like yourself. In a good way.”
“Yeah, I mean, I didn’t really think that was an observation that needed to be said aloud. Like, yeah, I like myself,” Stassi says.
“I think if you can make fun of yourself the way that you do, you have a strong sense of self where you’re able to poke fun at yourself,” Jackie says.
“That’s really nice,” Stassi says.
“It’s really true, not a lot of people have that quality. I’m just saying,” Jackie says before noticing Stassi is tearing up a little. “Don’t cry! Get it together! Last time I saw you you were fucking crying over Teppanyaki.”
“What did I cry about?” Stassi asks.
“I showed you my wedding dress,” Jackie says.
“Oh my God, yes. You fucking bitch,” Stassi says. “It’s the best wedding dress. And your boobs stay up, like, what the fuck? I can’t even, you guys. I’m really annoyed that I haven’t been proposed to yet, and I say this all the time.”
“The day is young, I might propose to you, soon,” Jackie says.
“It depends on the ring though,” Stassi replies.
“All because you stopped drinking.”
“I stopped eating, bitch, that’s what I’m saying,” Stassi says.
“How do you do that?” Jackie asks. “I’m struggling so hard because I want to be in shape for my wedding but I just can’t quit bread.”
“That’s the one thing you should quit,” Stassi says.
“I can’t do it,” Jackie replies.
“When is your wedding?” Stassi asks.
“Honestly, just don’t eat carbs for a month up until then,” Stassi says.
“You didn’t stop drinking, did you?” Jackie asks.
“I would never consider that,” Stassi says. “Because what happens if you quit drinking for a really long time and you die during that time? You didn’t live the last few weeks of your life fully.”
“And then your tolerance level gets so low that you are not chill anymore and you can’t hang,” Jackie agrees. “It fucks everything up.”
“And then your friends wont want to hang out with you because you can’t hang and your whole life starts to unravel and fall apart…” Stassi continues.
“All because you stopped drinking. It’s a cautionary tale. Don’t do it, guys. The cleanse thing? People who do that, I’m like, ‘What is wrong with you?'” Jackie says.
“You gain the weight back anyway,” Stassi says.
“Is he high? Or tired? Or just uninterested?”
“I live consequence free, for the most part, because no one knows who the fuck I am,” Jackie says.
“That must be really fun to really not care and not have to think about anything,” Stassi says.
“I stand by what I say 100% of the time,” Jackie responds.
“Do you stand by The Bachelor?” Stassi asks.
“I love that segue, that was amazing,” Jackie says. “I do stand by it.”
“I don’t even know where to begin because I’m so disappointed,” Stassi begins.
“Are you underwhelmed? Do you have a half-chub for [The Bachelor]?” Jackie asks.
“Is he high? Or tired? Or just uninterested? Or did someone shackle him to The Bachelor to do this?” Stassi asks. “I’ve never seen anyone look more miserable. And the questions that he asks… This is what really fucking bothers me… My favorite is when the fucking chick whose fiancee killed himself, she’s talking about it and he’s like ‘How long were you all engaged?’ This is my problem with that question: How long they were engaged literally has nothing to do with anything. How long were they together? What if they were only engaged for a week but they were together for fucking eleven years?”
“Oh yeah, what a dumb question,” Jackie agrees.
“That means that your brain works in such a not-smart way that you thought asking how long they were engaged was relevant,” Stassi says.
“He also has excess saliva,” Jackie adds, “which really bothers me.”
Listen to the full episode for more Bachelor opinions, brutally honest truths, and Schroeder-Schimmel for 2020.