1 married bitch & 1 single bitch

On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Stassi is joined by her long lost sister Jackie Schimmel from The Bitch Bible. Among other things (like uncircumcised D), they chat about Stassi’s upcoming trip to London to visit Jackie, and Stassi’s cornucopia of feelings.

“I am going to pimp you out.”

“I want to be prepared,” Stassi says about going to London. “I want to look like a local, but sound like every English guy’s California dream girl.”

“Oh, you’ll have no problem there, let me tell you,” Jackie says.

“Fantastic,” Stassi says.

“There’s like, no blondes,” Jackie explains. “Blondes are not really a thing there. I got my hair colored and I looked like… it was gray. It was awful. They didn’t know what to do with my hair.”

“Are blondes looked down on?” Stassi asks. “Are they cheesy?”

“No, no,” Jackie says. “They’re like unicorns wandering the streets.”

“So basically, I’m gonna be a pimp,” Stassi says.

“The guys in London are fucking hot,” Jackie adds.

“Are they all like James Bond?” Stassi asks.

“Well, it depends where you go,” Jackie says. “If you go to a random corner pub, you’re just going to see a lot of fat, old men with rosacea, but if you go to like, a very posh bar in Mayfair, there’s all these hot guys in suits with that accent, drinking gin martinis. You’ll have a good ol’ time.”

“Okay so can you take me there?” Stassi asks.

“For sure. Oh my God, no, I am going to pimp you out,” Jackie says. “I’m going to Heidi Fleiss the shit out of you and Rachael.”

Then Stassi says, “I should pack the condoms then.”

“Less feelings.”

“So do you feel kind of left out because you’re married and you can’t like do this shit that I’m doing?” Stassi asks Jackie. “How’s married life? What’s that like to have someone love you?”

“It’s really odd. I never thought it would happen for me,” Jackie jokes. “No, it’s great. It’s exactly the same, honestly. Everyone’s like ‘Oh my God you feel so much more connected and it just changes things.”

“Yeah, Katie and Schwartz, that’s how they are,” Stassi says.

“If you’re happy before, you’re happy after, that’s just kind of how it goes,” Jackie says.

“Interesting.”

“That’s what I think,” Jackie adds. “I mean, it felt like we were married before we got married. We didn’t get married to solidify a commitment, you know what I mean? I didn’t have to drag him there by his fuckin’ hair. He was already very very in. It just doesn’t feel different to me. Maybe it will later, but it just doesn’t, and he says the exact same thing.”

“I always wonder this, like, why hasn’t anyone like tried to propose drunkenly to me?” Stassi asks.

“Are you sure that hasn’t happened?” Jackie says.

“I mean, I take a lot of Xanax so maybe I’ve forgotten,” Stassi says.

“That’s why I’m asking,” Jackie explains. “But I feel like you’d remember that.”

“No one wants to marry me,” Stassi says.

“I think you pick the wrong men,” Jackie counters.

“Well, obviously,” Stassi agrees.

“I was trying to be nice!” Jackie laughs. “I think your picker is off, like, drastically off.”

“I’m just going to start dating people that are the opposite of the people I’ve dated before,” Stassi decides.

“You could try that and also, you just have so many feelings that I think you get in a haze maybe when you’re picking guys. Because you’re so clouded with feelings,” Jackie says.

“That is a problem,” Stassi agrees.

“You need to just cry on the inside, get it together, and just try to be like a little but more rational/logical when you’re picking,” Jackie says. “Less feelings.”

“I feel like you’re in my brain and my heart right now,” Stassi says. “I don’t know how to have less feelings, Jackie.”

“You just have to train yourself to just be less feeling-y. Less emo. You know? Like get your shit together!”

“Like if you look at my bed right now, there are a couple of cry stains on them from my makeup,” Stassi says.

“Like mascara tears?” Jackie asks.

“Yes, so embarrassing,” Stassi says.

“That is so embarrassing!” Jackie agrees.

“I have a lot of feelings!” Stassi says.

“I know, and it’s crazy how many fucking feelings you have. They’re all very authentic, which is even scarier. It’s not like you’re putting it on, because sometimes people do that for attention. And that’s not what you’re doing. These are real.”

“I wish I was somebody that put it on for attention,” Stassi says. “That’s fixable.”

“Yeah, you can come back from that,” Jackie agrees.

“I just feel everything,” Stassi says.

“Which is a good thing, most of the time,” Jackie says. “I think overall it’s a good thing because you’re empathetic. You’re sensitive. But you know, you could like, dial that down in certain aspects of your life, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I do think. I do agree. I just need some tips,” Stassi says. “There needs to be a book out there, like, ‘How To Not Have So Many Feelings.'”

 

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