On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Stassi, Katie and Tom tell their tale of honeymooning together (kind of) in Bora Bora.
“I’m your third wheel… in Bora Bora.”
“It means so much to me when I get to hang around you guys and when I’m you’re third wheel, because there’s no other couple that I’ve been with since the beginning,” Stassi says to Katie and Tom.
“You’re like both of our side chicks,” Katie says.
“That’s why this open marriage has been working thus far,” Tom jokes.
“We don’t have an open marriage, Tom,” Katie says.
“Yes we do, so it’s time for us to announce it,” Stassi says. “What I really wanted to do with this podcast was announce that we’re into weird shit, and we’ve decided to be a couple, all together.”
“A unit,” Tom agrees.
“Come and knock on our door…” Katie sings.
“I’m going to have to rewrite my vows to include Stassi…” Tom jokes.
“Sex is like pizza though, because even when it’s bad, it’s still good.”
So here’s the short story: Katie and Tom had been joking for a year that Stassi would be coming on their honeymoon. Then they explained that after spending a week alone together, they were craving socialization and their friends, so they invited Stassi to join for the last two days.
“I was really upset that everybody looking at our Instagram or Twitter or anything like that hated on it, and thought that you guys weren’t capable of being alone, and that I would actually crash a fucking honeymoon. Like, both those things annoyed me because it’s your shtick that ‘Oh you guys don’t have sex’ because it’s funny. But it’s not true!” Stassi explains.
“Long terms relationships should have less and less sex. I’m sorry, that’s a fact,” Tom says.
“Well also, it’s kind of the people that Tom and I are, that we’ve settled into. It’s not what’s important to us the most,” Katie says.
“It’s important, but it’s not terribly important. It’s not like pizza,” Tom says.
“Nothing is as important as pizza.” Stassi agrees.
“Sex is like pizza though, because even when it’s bad, it’s still good.” Katie says.
“And now that I know what honeymoons are like, because sorry, I married myself and went on my own honeymoon, and now that I’m well-versed in honeymooning, I don’t think I’d want to go on a honeymoon actually, along with my significant other,” Stassi says.
“I’m a little jealous that you’ve had a test run with honeymoons, because I wish I’d known what to expect,” Katie says. “The one thing I did learn is that honeymooners take honeymoons very serious. I was looking around at breakfast one day, at people who were probably a few years younger than Tom and I, and here they are putting on their married hats and talking like, ‘Oh, me and the wife.’ Like, who are you? Tom and I can only be who we are, and we’re the type of people who would ask our friend to just spontaneously join us on our honeymoon and not think it was weird, and think it was awesome.”
“This is my ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ moment.”
“I thought you guys were the kindest people to invite me and then I realized you were the worst,” Stassi says. “You know what I’m saying? Because single people aren’t allowed in Bora Bora. So I feel like you guys played this major prank on me.”
“It was a bit of a troll, I’m not gonna lie,” Tom agrees.
“No, no, honestly…” Katie starts saying.
“Yeah it was!” Stassi says
“90% love, 10% trolling,” Tom jokes.
“Even though we were a couple and we fit in and we blended in per say, we—even as a couple—felt like a single person with all those couples,” Katie says.
“We were taken aback at how couple-intensive it was,” Tom agrees. “And the singles discrimination that was taking place right in front of us.”
“There was no single discrimination until I got there, so you didn’t know that that was going to happen,” Stassi said. “Neither did I. I thought, ‘It’s the summer of fucking yes, now it’s my year of yes, anytime I’m presented with an opportunity, iIm gonna say yes and I’m gonna do it, even if it costs me everything I fucking have in my bank account. I’m just gonna do it.'”
Stassi explains that when she and Rachael O’Brien were driving to Katie and Tom’s wedding, “Livin’ La Vida Loca” came on more than four times.
“We were like, ‘Listen to the words of this song. Is there a girl out there who is that cool and spontaneous and fun and exciting? Really, dancing in the rain? Spilling wax during sex? No one’s that cool. So me and Rachael decided, ‘Let’s attempt to be ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’ And when you guys asked me to go, I was like, ‘This is my ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ moment, I’m just gonna be like, ‘YOLO, I’m a cool girl, I fly by the seat of my pants. I just go out of town on a whim. Wherever the wind takes me. I’m a cool girl,'” Stassi says.
“Bora Bora was your ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’ launch pad,” Tom says.
“If you don’t have a husband, you’re fucked.”
Stassi then gets to explaining what life in Bora Bora as a single woman was like.
“When I was there with you guys, and I was looking at all the other couples, and everybody was just reading, and laying, and not talking. I felt like, ‘Where’s the party at?'” Stassi says.
“I think a lot of other people were thinking the same thing that we were thinking,” Tom agrees. “When we finally did break that ice and talk to other couples, they were like, ‘Yeah, this is kind of strange.'”
But then, one day, they spotted people talking above a whisper.
“We were like, ‘People are in the pool, and they’re drinking!'” Katie recalls.
“We were like, ‘Somebody’s double fisting over there, let’s make friends!’ That’s literally why we made friends,” Stassi says.
“She’s not exaggerating,” Tom says. “We saw someone double fisting and that was our opening.”
“I kept making jokes before we met people like, ‘This is my time for the threesome and I get to be the guest star.’ Sarcastically,” Stassi says. “So Katie started getting drunker the same way that I was and Schwartz was and Katie got loose lips and started saying, ‘You guys interested in having a guest star, Stassi?’ to all of these couples.”
“They were all into it!” Katie laughs.
“After we met these couples in the pool, Katie and Schwartz had to get on a boat to go to the airport, and I had to get on a boat to go to the sister hotel,” Stassi continues. “I started crying. I felt really sad and very alone. I didn’t realize that there weren’t any bars to walk to, there weren’t any restaurants, no village, no flea markets. It’s not like you’re traveling to a major city where you can go and socialize and explore. There’s no exploring. You are stuck in your resort in your bungalow, and if you don’t have a husband, you’re fucked.”
Stassi says that she felt like Katie and Tom were her parents in a poor European country and they were sending her off to a better life, without them.
“I was sobbing,” she says.
“I felt like we abandoned our child,” Tom adds.
“I was in the boat, crying, with all these other couples again, because its only couples, going to the new resort,” Stassi says. “I check in, I get in there, and I’m like, ‘Fuuuck. What do I do?’ So I had a dance party and then went to sleep at 8pm.”
The next day, she dodged an invite to go moped-ing into the forest with the Russian Mafia couple (it’s a long story).
“That trip would have ended with your three bugaboos: Heroin, meth, and anal,” Tom jokes.
After getting stood up by another couple that night, Stassi had a romantic dinner for one with all of the couples sitting behind her.
“So then I’m like, ‘Can I move inside?’ And then I’m like, ‘You know what? I’m just going to get a bottle of white wine and bring it back to my room.’ And then the waitress brings me two glasses and I’m like, ‘Oh no, just one glass.’ And she’s like, ‘Your husband doesn’t want any wine?’ And I’m like, ‘I don’t have a husband.’ And she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I thought your husband was in your bungalow.’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m alone.’ And she’s like, ‘You came here by yourself?’ That happened to me fifteen million times a day.”
“We were scouting pool boys for you,” Tom chimes in.
“There was one that could get it,” Katie agrees.
“There were some attractive ones but I feel like everybody that works at these resorts are so used to there only being couples that they don’t even know what a single person looks like,” Stassi says.
“You would have been a legend there,” Katie says. “That solo picture of you? They would have hung that back in the employee room, they would talk about you at the Christmas parties, they would tell other couples about the tale of Stassi and her time in Bora Bora as the lone Whora Whora.”
“I wanted to be a Whora Whora,” she says. “But it wasn’t an option.”