On this episode of Straight Up with Stassi, Stassi is joined by comedian Rachael O’Brien, who is pretty sure that Stassi is dying.
“I am dying”
“I am dying,” Stassi confirms. “Here’s the thing: I was recently injured. I am going to let you know a little hood-rat thing about me… I ain’t got health insurance.”
“It’s so bad,” Rachael says. “I yell at her all the time for it. My hand surgery and all of that would have cost me $100,000 had I not had insurance.”
“If I had to spend my savings on that, I’d just start hooking,” Stassi says.
“I think this week I’m going to make you sign up for health insurance,” Rachael decides.
“Filming is about to end, I’m about to be a free bird for a little bit, and I’d really like to get health insurance in case something happens,” Stassi decides. “So if I sound a little loopy, that’s because I’m on Xanax, because it makes me feel less stressed about the pain.”
“You look like you don’t feel anything, which is great,” Rachael says. “I’ve never taken a Xanax, but it looks fun. It looks like you’re incapable of feeling emotion or pain.”
“Emotion, yes,” Stassi says. “The pain, the physical pain, it doesn’t really help with, but it distracts me.”
Then Stassi explains how this all happened.
“So, the other day, it was my brother Hunter’s 27th birthday,” she begins. “I was like, ‘Okay, I’ll throw a dinner party for him at El Compadre.'”
“It was a blast,” Rachael adds.
“I came home and I was with my brother and my friend Alex from home and my door was wide open,” Stassi continues. “When I say wide open, I don’t mean like a little crack, I mean wide fucking open, all my lights on.”
“I have a question: was the first thing you did run to your shoe room and see if your shoes were stolen?” Rachael asks.
“Uh, first thing I did was say, ‘Where the fuck are my dogs?'” Stassi says. “Second thing, shoes. Third thing, jewelry. So I start freaking out, I call my dog-watcher Nigel, and I’m like, ‘Where the eff, what the fuck, mother fucker…’ I mean I must have said every curse word under the sun. And he’s like, ‘Darling, relax, I just got them 10 minutes ago, they’re at my apartment.’ I’m like, ‘What do you mean? I didn’t ask you to!’ And I love Nigel to death, he probably had a good night, had a couple glasses of wine, decided to go play with my dogs, whatever, that’s totally fine. But not when my door is wide open. Really, what stressed me out was the fact that bugs got in.”
(Pause for Stassi’s side note about her hatred for bugs.)
“I run up to Nigel’s apartment,” she continues, ‘and he has like, a million cement stairs. I get my dogs, one in each arm, my brother is behind me, and I’m wearing my pink crystal Rochas slide sandals. Not very sturdy.”
“Yeah, not super safe,” Rachael says.
“I fall down the stairs,” Stassi says. “I don’t mean a tumble. I mean when you fall once on your back and the cement stair hits your back… I couldn’t stop myself, so it was like ‘Boom, boom, boom, boom…’ All the way fucking down. I think I had these stairs hit my back like 10 times. Cement stairs. My elbows were bleeding, I didn’t know what to do, it was Game of Thrones night…”
“So you sucked it up,” Rachael says.
“So I sucked it up,” Stassi confirms. “They cleaned the blood off my elbows. My back really hurt. The sides of my thighs really hurt.”
“But Khaleesi needed you,” Rachael jokes. “Is she still alive on the show?”
“Yes, God dammit Rachael,” Stassi sighs. “So, everyone leaves, I take a Xanax to go to bed, and I wake up two hours later and I’m, like, paralyzed. I cannot move my back. I can’t get up to sip water. I’m like, ‘What is happening?’ I was freaked the fuck out.”
To hear what happens next, as well as the rest of Rachael and Stassi’s convo, listen to the full episode now!!