On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Stassi opens the podcast with a sincere and important message:
“I wanted to take just a couple of minutes before I bring my guests in to say something. I’ve spent the morning really thinking about everyone who has suffered from the hurricanes and looking at so many photos and feeling so awful and terrible. I’m someone who lost my home and my belongings in Hurricane Katrina, so I know exactly what you’re going through, and if any of you listen to my podcast, I hope that I can at least make you laugh or distract you for a little bit. I swear the rest of this podcast is not going to be sad. Just know that my heart is going out to all of you and my friends and I are thinking of you. Feel free to tweet me, Instagram comment, email me at my professional email which is firstname.lastname@example.org and I will do my best to get back to you guys. I’m with ya’ll.”
And now, for this episode, Stassi is “doubling up like a motherfucker” with her nanny, Alex Stafford, and her emotional support drunk, Rachael O’Brien.
“I do devil-worship a little bit though.”
“Alex is the most innocent human being I know,” Stassi says.
“Can I make fun of you for yesterday?” Rachael asks.
“We can’t talk about how Alex wears granny panties?” Stassi chimes in.
“Prison panties! They look like prison underwear,” Rachael clarifies.
“It’s the shade of it-used-to-be-white-in-1970,” Stassi explains.
“Because you’re not allowed to separate whites and colors in prison,” Rachael says.
“I’m going to kill you,” Alex says. “Every girl has laundry-day panties.”
“Yeah, and mine are still cute as fuck,” Stassi says. “This was so bad that Rachael legitimately was like, ‘I’m going to Postmates Alex some cuter underwear.'”
“I 100% did it,” Rachael adds. “I would have driven there had I not been drunk, but I went on Postmates where you normally order food, I found Urban Outfitters, and a poor gentleman had to go into Urban Outfitters. I think he was straight, too. It was a five pack, and I chose specific colors. He had to walk around the store, this poor guy, and then had to ask the lady if they had XS because Alex weighs like, 30 pounds.”
“And he hand-delivered them to me,” Alex says. “That is a good friend, thank you Rachael for stopping me.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?” Stassi yells. “I’ve been telling you to change your fuckin underwear for forever!”
“That’s why people fall in love with her,” Rachael says. “Because she’s innocent.”
“Is that why no one has ever proposed to us?” Stassi asks. “Because we’re not innocent enough?”
“I think that we are somewhat innocent though,” Rachael says.
“I kind of feel like we’re innocent, too,” Stassi agrees. “But I do devil-worship a little bit though.”
“Oh, that doesn’t count,” Rachael says. “A little Wiccan spell here and there doesn’t really hurt anyone.”
“I just pissed my pants.”
“So I learned I can’t multitask because I peed all over myself,” Stassi says.
“I’m sorry, what?” Rachael asks.
“I pissed my fucking pants,” Stassi explains.
“Were you wearing a romper and you did the, like, pull-aside thing?” Rachael asks.
“How’d you know that?” Stassi says, incredulous.
“Because it happened to me once during filming in a white romper,” Rachael explains.
“Was it a soaking-wet situation?” Stassi asks.
“Yup. 100%,” Rachael says. “Thank God I’d had a lot of water though. There was no stain.”
“Okay, this makes me feel so much better,” Stassi says. “It was after the wedding, we were all going out, we were at the casino, and I go to use the restroom. I’m trying to text at the same time because I don’t want to text around people because I’m not rude.”
“I’m sorry, you were holding your phone, texting, and doing the side thing?” Rachael asks.
“Yes,” Stassi replies. “I was pulling my romper over to the side, trying to text, and all of the sudden I go to stand up and it was like someone did the fucking ice bucket challenge on my romper. It was soaking wet. It was black, thank God. I was like, ‘Do I tell someone?'”
“You take that shit to the grave,” Rachael says. “I told NO ONE.”
“I felt like in case one of my friends rubbed up against me or something… you never know,” Stassi says.
“You lie and say, ‘You just spilled your drink on me,'” Rachael responds.
“I told everyone,” Stassi sighs.
“Of course you did,” Rachael laughs.
“I can’t lie!” Stassi says. “So to every person I met, I like, word-vomited, ‘I JUST PISSED MY PANTS.'”