Stassi & Rachael tear through Las Vegas

rachael obrien stassi schroeder

On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Rachael O’Brien and Stassi talk about their trip to Las Vegas, including how Enrique Iglesias made thousands of people wait on him and the very telling tale of a rogue cucumber.

“I wish that I was sexually attracted to you.”

“We are single now,” Rachael says. “We need to start going out and meeting people so we can go to cool places so we’re not just constantly hanging out with each other.”

“This is the thing…” Stassi says. “I’ve realized this about myself through therapy — I don’t like doing anything that I don’t know I’ll succeed at, which is why I don’t do karaoke. I only do things if I know I can accomplish them.”

“Actually I think I kind of have that too,” Rachael says.

“So I’m scared of showing up someplace new and failing,” Stassi explains. “I don’t know that my ego can handle it.”

“We’re just not trying very hard,” Rachael says. “We try to research this stuff but we give up and go to the same place because we’re like, ‘I’m exhausted. The quicker I can get a cocktail and an appetizer…'”

“It’s like, ‘I need a shot, I don’t care anymore,'” Stassi adds.

“Whatever, I’m going to make it our mission,” Rachael decides.

“I really wish I was a lesbian, because I would just marry you,” Stassi says.

“We basically already are married,” Rachael counters.

“I wish that I was sexually attracted to you, Rachael,” Stassi says.

“I’m not cool enough to be a lesbian or be sexually attracted to a girl,” Rachael says.

“But Las Vegas ended up being a pretty successful trip,” Stassi continues. “Rachael and I go downstairs to the bar. She likes to gamble, I watch her gamble. Actually, I look like your girlfriend because I’m standing behind you as you gamble.”

“It looks like you’re supporting me,” Rachael agrees. “I’m like, ‘Can you grab the waitress and get me another cocktail?'”

“But we met a group of people, mainly men but one other girl, and they were not creepy whatsoever,” Stassi says. “Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m kind of offended that we spent the weekend with them and no one wanted to date us or hook up with us.”

“Because that’s the story of our lives,” Rachael says.

“Why?” Stassi asks.

“No proposals. We don’t get hit on in public. What’s wrong with us?” Rachael asks.

“I don’t know!” Stassi yells.

“I think we’re nice! I think we somewhat have resting bitch face, but not really. We’re pretty sweet, after a few cocktails,” Rachael says.

“Are we just too pretty?” Stassi jokes.

“I don’t think that’s the problem,” Rachael says.

“I don’t think it is either,” Stassi says.

“Maybe we’re just too extra,” Rachael suggests. “It’s a lot together. You have a spray tan, bleached blonde hair, blue eyes, you’re always sparkly. The way I dress is a little bit aggressive, like sometimes my shorts are too short, and sometimes I wear weird band t-shirt outfits.”

“They look at me and think, ‘High-maintenance as fuck’ and they look at you and they’re like, ‘I don’t understand,'” Stassi says.

“‘I don’t know what’s happening.’ Yeah, like she has a classy face but then I dress like a little bit of a slutty truck driver,” Rachael says. “So I think they’re confused.”

“Just one slice of a cucumber.”

“We wake up in the morning, because I have to catch the first flight out of there—” Stassi begins

“—not for any bad reason, it was for work,’ Rachael clarifies.

“Yeah, that sounded weird,” Stassi says.

“You weren’t that upset at Enrique that you had to leave Las Vegas immediately,” Rachael adds.

“Anyway, I look over at Rachael lying in her bed, and I see her green purse, and I’m like, ‘Hmm, there’s a circular indentation inside her purse,'” Stassi says.

“There’s a front pocket that’s a thin front pocket, and there was a circular indentation of what looked like a condom,” Rachael explains.

“That was my first thought,” Stassi says. “I was like, ‘Woah, that’s agressive! Were you expecting to get busy this weekend? Were you going to put a sock on the door of our hotel room? Were you going to let me know?'”

“Also, so confident to put it in plain view that everyone can see,” Rachael says.

“Like, wow, I like your style, maybe this is what I’m missing. Maybe I should be doing this,” Stassi jokes. “But no! It was not a condom.”

“Because I didn’t bring a condom because I wasn’t hopeful that anything would happen,” Rachael says.

“Because we aren’t hopeful anymore,” Stassi says. “And we look inside the purse and it’s a slice of a cucumber.”

“Which has now made a permanent indentation on my purse because it must have swelled or something and made the leather warp. Granted, I got this purse used, but it’s a Louis Vuitton purse. It’s now ruined. But I was so embarrassed that I threw myself on the ground laughing because I’m like, ‘How did a cucumber… Was I like, so drunk that I went up to the bar and was like, ‘I need a snack’ and saved it for later? Did it fall in? There’s no way it could have fallen in.”

“If there were a lot of cucumbers, I would be like, ‘That bitch was hungry and she wanted some snacks.’ But there was one,” Stassi says. “It was just one slice of a cucumber. Did it fall from heaven?”

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