On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Stassi is joined by comedian extraordinaire and fellow ranch lover, Rachael O’Brien.
“Ranch is like my side piece.”
“Can we talk about the ranch fountain I got you for your birthday?” Rachael asks.
“Oh my gosh,” Stassi says.
“I didn’t actually purchase it for you because I just left it there afterwards,” Rachael clarifies. “I was not going to carry a dirty ranch fountain home.”
“You didn’t want to own it?” Stassi asks.
“I’ll buy another one for $100,” Rachael says. “I don’t know. Gross. I wasn’t going to put it in our Uber.”
“That’s a really good point,” Stassi says. “I guess we didn’t think that through. Every single day I get about three people, normally more, sending me links to ranch fountains. They’re like, ‘Did you know this existed?’ I’m like, ‘Dude, where have you been? I’ve been talking about a ranch fountain for like, ever.’ And Rachael legit got me one.”
“You got to dip pizza in it,” Rachael says.
“That was so fuckin’ cool. Thank you,” Stassi says. “And, listen. She didn’t put Craft Hidden Valley, no Newman’s Own. She made ranch dressing.”
“And you know, I thought it was going to ruin ranch dressing for me when I was mixing mayonnaise and milk and ranch powder in a bucket, but then I was able to eat ranch the next day,” Rachael says.
“It looks gross, but if you think about it, it’s just a bucket,” Stassi says.
“It’s God’s gift to the world,” Rachael says. “That’s God’s water.”
“Ranch is God’s water,” Stassi agrees. “If you had to choose between butter and ranch, what would you choose?”
“Like, to live with for the rest of my life?” Stassi asks.
“There’s so much I could put butter on,” Rachael says. “I don’t dip my popcorn in ranch. Although that would be good. What about putting ranch powder on popcorn? Butter, with ranch powder on the popcorn, mixing our two favorite things in the world.”
“That’s a great idea,” Stassi says.
“God I’m a fat kid,” Rachael laughs.
“Wait, the same things you can put butter on, you can put ranch on,” Stassi says.
“If you’re holding a gun to my head and asking me which one, it’s butter,” Rachael says. “I just know it in my gut.”
“Do you feel like you’re cheating on ranch when you say that?” Stassi asks.
“I’m okay with it.”
“I honestly feel like butter doesn’t care if you like it,” Stassi says. “But ranch does care.”
“Ranch is like my side piece,” Rachael says. “Butter is my number one, I’m married to butter, and ranch is my side piece. We have an open relationship. It’s fine.”
“Ranch is more exciting,” Stassi says. “Ranch is definitely better in the sack. Butter is more reliable.”
“Butter is older, butter’s been around, they weren’t making ranch in the 1700’s, they were churning butter,” Rachael says.
“Butter is so dependable,” Stassi says. “It is always there for you. It pays child support. Ranch would be like, ‘Fuck that.'”
“It would say, ‘I wanna be there when the fries are there, but I don’t need to be in a baked good,'” Rachael jokes. “‘Fuck that.'”
I consider this to be my finest work. In honor of your murder themed birthday here’s a vid of the time we almost died and no one cared. Happy Birthday to the best, most loving and supportive friend @stassischroeder ❤️ here’s to another year of killing it 🍷🔪 and many more Paris, Charleston and NYC trips.
“No proposal, but good butts.”
“How has no one ever proposed to you?” Stassi asks Rachael.
“I don’t know. This is what I ask myself all the time,” Rachael says. “We talk about this all the time. Why has no one proposed to us? What are we doing wrong?”
“I don’t get it,” Stassi says. “Like, not even a drunken proposal, not even a mid-sex, passionate, ‘Just marry me.’ None of that. There are people who have been proposed to, like, multiple times.”
“Do you know what’s crazy?” Rachael asks. “People have told us we have good butts though, and we both have terrible butts. But no proposal!”
“No proposal, but good butts,” Stassi agrees. “When men compliment my butt, I’m like, ‘What is wrong with you?'”
“Is this Punk’d?” Rachael jokes. “Is someone going to come out with a hidden camera?”
“Do you not see that my ass goes into my thighs?” Stassi says.
“There’s no delineation,” Rachael jokes. “It’s the ranch.”
“The ranch likes my ass.”