Stassi’s hungover stream of consciousness

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On this episode of Straight Up With Stassi, Stassi wakes up with an unexpected hangover and takes us through her day — trials, triumphs, bedazzled Ranch Dressing bottles, and all in her hungover glory.

“I’m feeling all sorts of weird emotions right now because I had a really shitty day, but it ended on such a high note that made me feel more connected to my listeners,” Stassi begins. “I’m doing an extra episode this week because four or five times a year I’m going to do a solo episode for you guys. I’ll try and answer some of your questions with the Ask Stassi emails. I was planning on doing that today, I had this whole to-do list, and doing the podcast was one of them.”

But… well, here’s the thing. Stassi explains that she went to Rachael O’Brien’s comedy show with David Spade the night before, and drank, but drank responsibly.

“I leave earlier than… well, I’m always the first person to leave so, I guess, whatever… I’m trying to be responsible. So I leave around 11pm. The show’s been done for an hour and we’re all just drinking afterwards and hanging out, so, no need for me to be there,” Stassi recounts. “I want to go get my dogs and chill. I go home, I realize, ‘I didn’t eat today,’ so I order beef stroganoff. Yeah, you heard that right. Beef stroganoff. You know, like, that creamy brown sauce. I ordered that with mashed potatoes and rice. Carbs AF. Carbs. Cream. And meat. I order that at like 11:30pm or something and watch Passengers.”

She ended up liking the movie, in case you were wondering. But then again, she also usually likes most movies that she sees.

“Like Amanda Bynes’ What I like About You or whatever? That wasn’t that great of a movie. I still really liked it,” Stassi says. “All the follow-up movies to The Notebook? They’re not that great. I’m still ride-or-die with them. It takes a lot for me to not like a movie. Like The Lizzie McGuire movie? Should have won an Academy Award in my book.”

Then, she went to sleep thinking the next day would be so great and so productive.

“I wake up, and I’m like, ‘Ehhhhh… I don’t feel good.’ Like, I haven’t gotten a hangover in a really long time, because I discovered this hangover patch and this party pill that you can take. God, you know you’re an alcoholic when you have to double up on hangover prevention medications…”

(They sell it at Whole Foods, so it’s all natural, people. Don’t worry.)

“I woke up so hungover, and it just didn’t make any sense,” Stassi continues. “It’s not like I was hammered. It was just like my body rejected it. Whatever. I’m like working through this in my head as I’m speaking. This is a stream of consciousness podcast episode, so just bare with me.”

She finally gets out of bed to take her dogs out, and starts to think her hangover might pass.

“I listen to some Will Smith. Will Smith always helps my hangovers, there’s just something about it. It’s like, nobody listens to Will Smith anymore. ‘Wild Wild West’? ‘Miami’? ‘Switch’? Nobody listens to that shit. But I do. When I’m hungover. And that shit normally works.”

It did work, for a little bit. And then she gets a package from Hidden Valley.

“I’m like, ‘Maybe today is going to be a good day.’ I mean, how often does one get a package from Hidden Fucking Valley? I open this package, and at first I see T-shirts that are very cute and say things about Ranch Dressing on them. But then, I see what I consider to be the blue sapphire from Titanic: A bedazzled Ranch Dressing bottle. Yes. You heard that correct: A Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing bottle that’s bedazzled. What better gift could I receive?”

To hear why she got this holy grail of a gift and how the rest of Stassi’s day went… listen to the full episode!

 

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